This past weekend, at the Women of Faith Conference in New Jersey with my friends, was a wake up call from God of the layers that have been put on me, to shield me from being hurt and to hide the real me inside, protecting me. However, this weekend also put on a few more layers. Feeling disconnected and left out from the group as they spoke, most of the time, about the people that they knew from the church they attended together before Phyllis moved, feeling like a burden or an inconvenience (body language & facial expression speak very loudly, then there was their silence) with the pain that I was having in my back and feet, and then being unjustly snapped at with "back off and leave me alone"--so I backed off.
My friend Phyllis had asked me Saturday evening, "what do I need" and I could not answer because my needs have always been last on my to-do-list. My heart is in giving to and doing and caring for others. Sunday morning I spent more than an hour, before everyone got up, outside walking around and talking to God, crying out to Him, asking Him to reveal to me what I need. Well, God spoke to me, revealing what I needed to hear. What I need, is to let go of my fears.
It is not with God that I have feelings of disconnection or abandonment, it is with people. I am a very private person and keep to myself and most people don't really take the time to get to know me. So many layers of hurt and fear have been placed upon me, so just to name a few:
fear of making comments and feeling like I am not being heard or taken seriously
fear of feeling I am not good enough, or smart enough,
fear of feeling abandoned, left out by others
fear of feeling unloved/unliked
fear of feeling rejected
fear of being laughed at
fear of feeling like I am going to say or do something to hurt someone.
I asked God to show me how I am suppose to remove these layers, because it is for sure I can't do it alone. Then God revealed to me something in His Word--Isaiah 41:13 For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not: I will help thee, Isaiah 49:15,16 ...yea, they may forget, yet I will not forget thee, Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; Psalm 56:3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me..
I have many layer to be peeled off. They were put on there gradually and will have to be taken off gradually. Getting down to the root is going to be hard and is going to be painful, but necessary. I have asked my friends for forgiveness and their patience as God and I work through these layers together--one at time.
While I was in Houston, awaiting yet another flight delay to get home, I was talking to my friend Kay in Waco, about what the conference meant to me and about how I was feeling. She said something that made a lot of sense to me and reminded me of something that I had realized a few years ago but had forgotten, about why I am this private, shy, quiet person and why I am so lonely and why I don't have many friends.
When I was a child and my dad was in the Army we would move every few years, so I was never in the position that I could make and keep friends. I was never in one place long enough for anyone to get to know me and this has carried on into my adult life, a layer I feel I must deal with first, because I feel it is at the root of why I am the way I am, why I have such a low self-esteem of myself. But since this layer is so deep and buried it is going to very difficult and painful to get to.
Phyllis and Kay have a special place in my heart because they took the time, they did not leave me, they had patience and stood by me over the years and they have not judged me, yet they accepted me for who I was, not expecting me to change and be someone I am not. Because I not stay in one place long enough as a child, I feel I have not developed what it takes to make or keep friends. The Bible says to have friends make yourself friendly, well, I like to think I am a friendly person, so whats wrong?
There are many people that tell me "if you need to talk, I am here for you", well were are they the rest of the time? I am thankful that they will be there, but I don't just want a "friend" to hear me unload what I am going through, how about someone to perhaps go to a movie or shopping or just to hang out with for an evening. I hear many ladies of my church, all the time-the sames ones, talking and making plans to get together and go somewhere or do something, and I am standing there wishing they would ask me if I would like to go. I was raised that it was impolite to invite yourself, so I stand back, feeling very unliked, rejected and left out. I know it may not be intentional, they just don't think to ask me.....but why?
So I want to say thank you to my friends for not leaving me, for accepting me for the person that I am, for taking the time and having the patience to get to know who I am and excepting me for who I am.
